Oh God, I had to give answer to each person in one week. How could I do that? I tried to make a list of the positive things and negative things I saw on those four men, but the result still made me confuse. Making a decision was not an easy thing for me. I thought I would run away from this, but I couldn’t.
In some other cases, I trusted my intuitive heart. I listened and trusted the inner voice that knew what it was I needed to do, what actions needed to be taken. But in this case, I felt just like my intuition had been blocked.
Finally, I chose to hand over this matter to God. That’s the only way. In Islam, there’s one way to find the best option of the problem that Moslem faced. It’s called “ Shalat Istikharah”. It’s a ritual prayer resemble with the obligatory prayer, but the purpose of it was to find the clue of the best choice.
I did it once each day, in 7 days. I wake up at 3 AM, when anybody else was sleeping. I just wanted to feel the peacefulness, just the two of me and my God. After taking wudhu (ritual ablution before prayer), I did Shalat Istikarah. After it, I prayed.
“ In the name of Allah, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful. Oh Allah, You have power and I have none. You know all and I know not. You are The Knower of all that is hidden. If in Your knowledge, one of these four men be good for me in my faith and in my temporal and religious life, then ordain him for me. And if anyone other than him be good for me in my faith and in my temporal and religious life, then ordain him for me.”
After the first Shalat Istikharah I felt more tranquil. The first candidate came to me. He asked me if I had already made a decision. I said I was thinking about it and I would tell him soon. Deep in my heart I believe I would find something about him, something that triggered me to accept or refuse him.
Then I focused on my job. After typing a report of material usage on my computer, I tried to print the document. But there was something wrong with the printer, it couldn’t print the document. I took a disk, and saved the document into it. Then I looked around, tried to find another printer. There were two other printers, but all of them are used by the other employees.
I remembered there was one printer in the first candidate’s workroom. I thought maybe he could allow me printed out my document there. I walked down along the office corridor and I stopped in front of the door. I knocked, but there was no respond. I opened the door, and entered. He was not there.
There were some papers scattered on the floor. I took them and put them beside the computer. It seemed that he had left the room in hurry. I saw the computer was on, and I could see there was a document, a financial report of salary payment, on the screen. I did not know what I was thinking at that time but suddenly there was an eager desire in my heart to see closer what it was on the screen. I knew I shouldn’t do that but a half of my heart force me to. I came closer to the computer. Actually there were two documents, two financial reports on its screen. When I scrutinized them, I found these two documents were almost the same. The difference of them was the amount of money. Then I knew that he made two versions of report. Why did he do that? Out of the blue, awareness raised in my mind. Soon I left the room.
I sat on my chair, thinking. “So, that’s why he is rich. My company paid the salary of those workers through his company. His company took 20% of the amount, and then…he, the one who responsible to manage the payment, took another 20% for himself. He has already got monthly salary from his company, but he took another benefit illegally. This man is absolutely not suitable for me. Thank You God, I have found the answer.”
In the evening, I told him my decision. I said I couldn’t accept him. I could see anger in his eyes. He said” Why? Was there someone told you bad things about me? And you believe it?”
“No. I have done Shalat Istikharah. I have a deep conviction that you are not my soul mate. That’s all. I’m sorry if I make you disappoint.” I said resolutely.
I received another letter from the second candidate. He wrote that he couldn’t wait any longer for my reply. He wanted to come to the field to see me. He needed a direct answer.
All day long I thought of him. I tried to remind anything, any time I spent with him. Again and again the memories of him leaded me to realize that we had only a platonic relationship all these years. He was friendly, kind, smart, and unique. Although I was fond of him, I could not be romantically involved with him. I couldn’t imagine he became my lover, more over my husband.
In the evening, I wrote a letter for him. I was sorry, but I had to tell him the harsh truth. It would be better for me, and also for him. I hoped he could find someone else, his true love.
TO BE CONTINUED